It is June...

Today is the first day of June and it is also Friday, so Harvest stayed home with us. We explored for just the right rocks, washed them, let them dry and painted them with acrylics. 

 Very fun activity. They will look beautiful in our gardens.

 Our garden seedlings from Berry Creek Farm. Love that place.

The newest addition of Taproot surprised me in the mail. Beautiful beautiful reading material.

This is my favorite time of the year. Getting our garden in, loving the sun, enjoying everyone's happiness. Happy June! Happy Friday!

That Friday Thing...

My new favorite breakfast=A hemp smoothie a piece of sprouted bread with almond butter and loads of berries on top. The berries are thawed out from summer picking.

 Wagon rides down the road.

 The one really good big brother moment of the day.

 Stopping to examine rocks and investigate nature.

 It is a Friday thing. We rise, we read, we relax, we explore...no obligations.

Carmi...

We had a fantastic little weekend getaway with two very special people. Grandma Maureen and John have a lovely camp right on lake Carmi and they shared it with us again. It is one of those magical places. We all agree.

We had so much fun.

What is beautiful through my eyes today?

My blued eyed boy and my brown eyed girl. 

My simple morning to-do list.

 The healthy snacks that my children love to eat.

 Pudgy cheeked faces.

 Homemade smoothies on the front porch.

 Sprouting!

All of the art supplies and all of the art. 

 Quiet play by the windows.

 Fresh basil.

 A knitting project for a friends baby due in August.

 So many things. So much beauty!

Everything in its right place...

Here I sit much later at night than I would like to admit. I have been in a sort of life glow lately...with much anticipation of what is to come of me.

The kids are growing up, and I have not had to think past just being 100% present with them and I have savoured it all. My role at home has been just what our little family needed and oh have I loved it. The fact is, with Harvest almost in full day first grade and Esther almost in preschool I am in the full bodied thoughts of, "What now?"

I am really driven by this wide open future of mine and I have been going through my days with a sort of peace that my time has come. The next step of my life is here. I don't feel sad, or uncomfortable...just excited and contemplative.

I don't think I have been a very good friend, sister or daughter. I have only been able to sustain my regular routine and the extra time is sort of spent reflecting and internalising where I am at and what is to come. 

To be honest, I don't really feel completely sure what is next. What I do know is that I am going back to college as early as this summer. I also know that I would like our family to have two incomes...and that I want to make sure that I enjoy whatever I do.

I feel sort of lonely...which I can't figure out. I think that I feel lonely because only I can figure out the answer to my anticipation and my dreams....and because of this and my reflections...I am left alone to mull it all over and to be me. Being me is sort of lonely at times, but is a majestic loneliness. I am ready for some lonely time. Some time for my thoughts to go wherever I need them to go... some time to drink tea alone...time to create my own dreams and make them happen...time to breathe alone.

I envision long drives to class, lots of late night homework sessions, plenty of photography opportunities, and lone cafe pit stops in between it all. 

I have really grown to understand that children need their mamas to have their own lives. They need to see us loving ourselves, doing for ourselves and working hard to achieve goals for ourselves and in turn we all love each other a little more for taking care of ourselves the way that we should. I have spent much time creating a strong bond and an absolute feeling of love and security with my children....they have had so much carefree fun with mama at home. They are ready for their own lives to take a different course. Harvest told me today while drawing at the table that he was so glad that I made him go to school even when he said he didn't want to go. I asked him why, and he replied that he loves school and he feels that I knew what he needed all along. He is excited for next year. Esther is excited to have friends in preschool. It is beautiful to watch them grow and do some things independently.

So life moves like a river, and we gracefully flow right with it. Unfolding all the way. 

On Mothers Day...

Yesterday (Mothers Day) I had few requests. I really just wanted to sleep in and to be treated well. I didn't need gifts or a fancy breakfast. Andy made sure that I felt like an absolute queen. When I woke up on Sunday morning (close to eight o'clock) I heard only faint children's voices playing outside. I sat up a little and could see them playing nicely together in the front yard. Andy had woken right up with them, fed them, tidied the house for me and shooed them right out. I couldn't help but smile when I saw them out there. I know that mothers like to be spoiled on Mothers Day, and I am all about that too but I really just felt so thankful to be a mother. Thankful that these little ones are my babies, and that Andy is my partner in it all.

I got up and sat in in the comfy chair in the family room. The house was so quiet, and I felt so at peace. I could smell coffee. It was brewing. Everything was just as I wanted it.

When the kids found out that I was awake they showered me with hugs and home made gifts. They understood completely what Mothers Day meant to the world, and how they should value it. I kissed them both many times and told them that the reason that I love Mothers Day is that it is a reminder to me that I am a mama and they are my babies.

We didn't do a lot. We drove to Hardwick so that I could walk around the Buffalo Mountain Coop. The kids ran around and played at a playground...In the afternoon my parents came over and we made a mothers day dinner to share with them. It was very lovely to have my mom all to myself.

The day ended with my very wonderful husband giving me a body rub with warmed coconut oil.

A queen I was. It was a perfect day.

I am

so

incredibly

blessed!

I hope it was a lovely day for all of the mothers and their families that I know and love.

It's Friday...

On this lovely Friday the kids woke up very happy and energetic. I didn't get enough sleep last night, so I laid there in a daze for awhile (at 6 am) while the children squealed and laughed hysterically two feet away from me. When I stood up I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and went straight for the coffee pot. They haven't stopped laughing all day.

We did art.

Made flax muffins (recipe below).

Played outside. I worked up quite a sweat playing kick ball with the both of them. It was fun.

Went to the library to return our old books and get new ones, even though we did that yesterday.

Bought local asparagus at the farm stand. 

Had English muffin pizzas and strawberries for lunch. Each person assembled their own much to their delight.

Made a very comfy space out on the grass with blankets and pillows and read library books in the sun.

More art.

Now we get ready to meet daddy in town for Tai Kwon Do and a hair cut for me.

Family movie night for everyone else and book club for me tonight.

A very good day.

Flax Muffins (Thanks Madeleine) 
2 cups ground flax seeds
1 t baking soda
1 t(teaspoon) sea salt
1/2 c honey
5 eggs - whisked
1/2 c water
1/3c  coconut oil (or other light oil)
1 cup raisins
 
Mix, let stand for a few minutes to thicken and then put into muffin liners and bake at 350 - maybe 20 minutes or longer until set.

They are delicious with some almond butter or if you are Esther you like them with strawberry jam. 

 Sweet boy posed special for this one. :)

Today in a nutshell...

First off, I am SWOONING over this fabric collection found on the Spoonflower website. I really want to make a beautiful simple quilt (only out of these fabrics of course) for each of the kids beds and paint their room white. Wouldn't that be so simple and beautiful? If you are incredibly wealthy (or even just a little wealthy) and you are reading this, could you purchase me a large gift certificate from Spoonflower please? 

Today I had some time with my girl and when it was time to pick Harvest up the sun finally shined on us. The kids and I put our work clothes on and planted some spring crop seeds together. They always want to help put the seeds in the holes and cover them and I LOVE to let them do it. What could be better? They get filthy and they learn the science of gardening. Each year they learn more. 

Harvest and I tilled up the compost bin which is one of my favorite outdoor activities. We studied the levels of decomposition and decided that some of it would be ready for garden use this year. Beautiful! 

We took turns watering the garden and noticed that the peas have not come up yet, but that the rhubarb has reached out enough to take some for muffins tomorrow. We should also check on our fiddle head spot. We may have missed them this year.

We found lots of worms and named them. 

We made popcorn and snuggled. 

We sat in the sun. 

I did yell some, but one of the children was not listening. 

We went to Esthers gymnastics class and Harvests Tai Kwon Do class. 

I read to them and kissed their cheeks a thousand times before bed. 

"Too many kisses mama!" 

 There are never too many baby.
 

The picture below is from Harvests school concert on Monday. It was precious. He is the cute one with the blond hair and the short sleeved blue checked shirt.

Just...

Not much to share right now, just two pictures of my wee girl with the worlds biggest pushover of a cat

and my boy, laughing at dinner.

Joy!

All because...

Well, we people are constantly growing and evolving and the only way to avoid it is to let go of responsibility and ignore what is clearly put right in front of us as a growing opportunity.

Sounds pretty easy to do actually.

I consider myself a spiritual person, a humanist, a constant learner, a deep thinker...I am kind. I am many things, but I have been guilty of forgetting something important. The most important thing actually. It was there all along, just waiting to be discovered and embraced. My inner voice whispering to me, only to be misinterpreted or ignored. 

Even as a grown feminist woman, I have never had the ability to ignore the screaming images of women that media is throwing at us. I even know that it is not real. I even know about how and why I am effected by these images. I talk about the different shapes and sizes of people with my children and I teach them to love their bodies and take care of them. I teach them to love themselves, and accept everyone for who they are and where they come from. I make ridiculous statements such as, "My daughter will never have a Barbie doll!" (In hopes that it will save her from what the rest of us have already been infected with)

The truth is, I say it with my words but not with my actions. I accept everyone else, but not myself. There is a constant struggle within myself that pushes me to try new diets that never work and to hate myself unless I am thin. Even when my mouth mocks society and all that it has done to us.

I put on ten pounds in the past year, and had a million reasons why. Here are a few...

"I am a compulsive overeater"

"I put half and half in my coffee"

"I drink too much wine"

"I am allergic to wheat"

"I am allergic to grains"

"I don't exercise enough"

"I need a cleanse"

"I need to fast to get these toxins out"

"It is the sugar"

"My thyroid is messed up"

"I am almost 30 and my metabolism is slowing down"

"Maybe I need more sleep!"

Oh dear Hannah, you really did have a lot of excuses.

You didn't need any.

I have never loved my size. I didn't love it 10 pounds ago, and I didn't love it 30 pounds ago when I was at my smallest. A smaller size would feel great, but size is obviously not the root of the problem here.

I recently bought a book, again with the same idea that it would be the miracle that helps me to be thin and it had a different effect on me than anything else ever has. It is all about eating low calorie foods that make you feel full. The main idea is to eat less fat and more fruits and vegetables. Not to eliminate anything from the diet, but to be conscious of the foods that pack on calories quickly and eat smaller amounts of those things while you eat larger amounts of the things that are more nutritious with less calories. I gingerly began the new food plan and fell into it pretty naturally. I loved that I could eat what I wanted. I loved that it focused on nourishing foods and allowed you to eat things that feel good.

I was about my third day into it, and sitting down to a plate of salad with fresh greens, purple cabbage, avocado, smoked salmon and balsamic vinegar. Grape fruit with coconut sugar was my dessert. I took a moment to take in the beautiful meal before me and there it was. That quiet inner voice that I had ignored for so long spoke to me. It said...

"Be kind to yourself."

The words wrapped around my being like a tight warm hug. They enveloped me like a good friend and I understood what they meant and how long they had been waiting to be heard. I looked at Esther sitting in front of me eating grilled cheese. I knew that she could play with all of the Barbies in the world, and nothing would help her perspective more than the woman we surround ourselves with, their strength and their perspectives. Nothing could help her more than her mother living life free, and being kind to herself. Living by her words and not through them. I can teach her to be kind to herself too, and I can stand behind her and help her through when she forgets.

I realised that the beautiful food in front of me was a kind gesture from nature. In eating it, loving it and nourishing myself I am being kind to myself. I realised that if my choices are backed by kindness and not a mission to change myself I will achieve more goals in life. I can make goals, and I can make them happen for myself.

"Be kind to yourself Hannah."

I am worth it. We all are.

For shits and giggles I stepped on the scale today willing to accept whatever it said. It turns out that I have lost 4 pounds in a little over a week.

All because I was kind to myself.